THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. George and Weedon GROSSMITH. Chapter XVI
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•CHAPITRE XVI

•À cause des conseils en investissement de Lupin, nous perdons de l'argent, ainsi que Cummings. •Murray Posh fiancé à Daisy Mutlar.

•18 février. Ces derniers temps, Carrie m'a fait remarquer à plusieurs reprises que mes cheveux étaient clairsemés sur le dessus de mon crâne, et m'a conseillé de consulter un spécialiste. •Ce matin, j'essayais d'observer mon crâne à l'aide d'un petit miroir à main, quand, je ne sais pas comment, mon coude a heurté le bord de la commode : j'en ai lâché le miroir qui s'est brisé. •Ça a plongé Carrie était dans un état épouvantable, car elle est absurdement superstitieuse. •Pour aggraver les choses, la grande photo de moi dans le séjour est tombée dans la nuit et le verre s'est brisé.

•Carrie a dit : « Note bien, Charles : un malheur va arriver. »

•J'ai dit : « Balivernes, ma chérie. »

•Le soir, Lupin est rentré tôt à la maison et semblait un peu agité. •J'ai dit : « Quoi de neuf, mon garçon ? » Il a hésité un long moment, puis a dit : Tu te souviens de ces actions Parachikka Chlorates pour lesquelles je t'avais conseillé d'investir 20 £ ? » •J'ai répondu : « Oui, tout va bien pour elles, j'espère ? » Il a répondu : « Eh bien, non ! » •À la surprise générale, elles se sont complètement effondrées. »

•J'avais le souffle complètement coupé, je ne pouvais plus articuler un mot. •Carrie m'a regardé et a dit : « Qu'est-ce que je t'avais-je dit ? » •Au bout d'un moment, Lupin a dit : « Toutefois, tu as une chance extraordinaire. » •On m'a refilé un tuyau en exclusivité, j'ai tout de suite écoulé les tiennes et j'ai eu la chance d'en tirer 2 £. •Tu n'as pas tout perdu, du coup. »

•J'ai poussé un soupir de soulagement. •J'ai répondu : « Je n'étais pas aussi optimiste que tu crois pour penser, comme tu nous l'avais avancé, que je gagnerais six ou huit fois le montant de mon investissement ; mais un bénéfice de deux livres représente tout de même un bon rendement sur une période aussi courte. » •Fort irrité, Lupin a dit : « Tu ne comprends pas. •J'ai bazardé tes actions de 20 £ pour 2 £ ; tu perds donc 18 £ dans cette transaction, tandis que Cummings et Gowing perdent la totalité de leur investissement. »

•Lupin, avant de se rendre en ville dit : « Je suis vraiment désolé au sujet de ces Parachikka Chlorates ; cela ne se serait pas produit si le patron, Job Cleanands, avait été en ville. •Entre nous, ne vous étonnez pas si quelque chose tourne mal au bureau. •On n'a pas vu Job Cleanands ces derniers jours, et j'ai le sentiment que plusieurs personnes tiennent particulièrement à le voir. »

•En soirée, Lupin s'apprêtait justement à sortir pour éviter de croiser Gowing et Cummings, lorsque le premier est entré dans la pièce, sans frapper, en poussant sa rengaine habituelle : « Je peux entrer ? »

•Il s'est avancé, et à la surprise de Lupin, et à la mienne, il a semblé être de la meilleure humeur possible. •Ni Lupin ni moi n'avons abordé le sujet avec lui ; c'est lui qui l'a fait de sa propre initiative. •Il a sorti : « Je vous le dis, ces Parachikka Chlorates ont fait un flop mémorable ! •Vous êtes un génie, Maître Lupin. •Combien avez-vous perdu ? •À ma grande stupéfaction Lupin a dit : « Oh ! •Je n'avais rien investi dedans. •Il y avait quelques irrégularités dans ma demande : j'avais oublié de joindre le chèque ou quelque chose comme ça, et je n'ai rien reçu. •Le chef •a perdu 18 £. » •J'ai dit : « J'avais bien entendu que tu étais de la partie, sinon rien ne m'aurait incité à me lancer dans cette spéculation. » •Lupin a répondu : « Bon, on n'y peut rien ; tu devras miser le double sur le prochain tuyau. » •Avant que je n'aie pu répondre, Gowing a dit : « Eh bien, je n'ai rien perdu, heureusement. » •À cause des rumeurs, je n'avais pas trop confiance dans l'affaire, alors j'ai convaincu Cummings de me racheter mes 15 livres, car il y croyait davantage que moi. »

•Lupin a éclaté de rire et, d'une manière tout à fait déplacée, s'est écrié : « Hélas, le pauvre Cummings. » •Il va y laisser 35 £. » À cet instant, un coup de cloche a retenti. •Lupin a dit : « Je ne veux pas rencontrer Cummings. » •S'il était sorti par la porte, il l'aurait croisé dans le couloir ; c'est pourquoi Lupin a aussitôt ouvert la fenêtre du salon et est sorti. •Gowing a bondi en s'écriant : « Moi non plus, je ne veux pas le voir ! » Et, avant que j'aie pu dire un mot, il a suivi Lupin par la fenêtre.

•Quant à moi, j'étais horrifié de penser que mon propre fils et l'un de mes amis les plus proches quittent la maison comme deux cambrioleurs pris sur le fait. •Le pauvre Cummings était vraiment bouleversé; et bien sûr on le comprend, il était très remonté contre Lupin et Gowing. •J'ai insisté pour qu'il prenne un petit whisky, et il m'a répondu qu'il avait arrêté le whisky ; mais qu'il aimerait bien un peu de gin non sucré, car on lui avait dit que cet alcool était le meilleur pour la santé. •Je n'en avais pas à la maison, mais j'ai envoyé Sarah chez Lockwood pour en acheter.

•20 février La première chose qui a frappé mon regard en ouvrant le Standard, c'était : « Énorme faillite des courtiers en bourse et en actions ! • Mr. Job Cleanands a pris la fuite ! » •Je l'ai tendu à Carrie, et elle a lancé : « Oh ! •c'est peut-être une bonne chose pour Lupin. •Je n’ai jamais pensé que cette situation lui conviendrait. » •J'ai trouvé toute cette affaire très choquante.

•Lupin est descendu pour le petit déjeuner ; voyant qu'il avait l'air profondément affligé, je lui ai dit : « Nous sommes au courant, mon cher garçon, et nous sommes vraiment désolés pour toi. » •Lupin a dit : « Comment avez-vous su ? •qui vous l'a dit ? •Je lui ai tendu « The Standard ». •Il a jeté le journal par terre et a dit : « Oh ça, je m'en moque éperdument ! » •Je m'attendais à ça, mais à ceci, non ! » •Il nous a ensuite lu une lettre de Frank Mutlar, annonçant, d'un ton désinvolte, que Daisy Mutlar allait se marier le mois prochain avec Murray Posh. •Je me suis écrié : « Murray Posh ! •Ce n'est pas cet homme que Frank a eu l'impudence d'amener ici mardi dernier ? » •Lupin a répondu : « Si, le « Posh-aux-chapeaux-à-trois-shillings. »

•Ensuite, nous avons tous pris notre petit déjeuner dans un silence de cathédrale.

•En fait, je n'ai rien pu avaler. •Non seulement j'étais trop inquiet mais je ne peux ni ne pourrai manger de bacon en coussin. •Si je ne peux obtenir de bacon strié, je m'en passerai tout à fait.

•Quand Lupin s'est levé pour partir, j'ai remarqué un sourire malicieux envahir son visage. •Je lui ai demandé ce que cela voulait dire. •Il a répondu : « Oh ! •juste une mince consolation, mais c'est toujours une consolation. •Je viens de me rappeler que, sur mon conseil, Mr. Murray Posh a investi 600 £ dans Parachikka Chlorates ! »
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CHAPTER XVI.
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We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to investment, so does Cummings.
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Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.
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Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious.
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Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to happen.”/.
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I said: “Nonsense, dear.”/.
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In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated.
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I replied: “Yes, they are all right, I trust?” /.He replied: “Well, no!
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To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.”/.
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My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing.
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Carrie looked at me, and said: “What did I tell you?”/.
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Lupin, after a while, said: “However, you are specially fortunate.
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I received an early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get £2 for them.
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So you get something after all.”/.
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I gave a sigh of relief.
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Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t understand.
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Between ourselves, you must not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office.
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He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the very best of spirits.
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Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own accord.
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He said: “I say, those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash!
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You’re a nice one, Master Lupin.
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How much do you lose?”/.
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Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: “Oh!
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I had nothing in them.
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The Guv.
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loses £18.”/.
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I said: “I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate.”/.
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Lupin replied: “Well, it can’t be helped; you must go double on the next tip.”/.
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Before I could reply, Gowing said: “Well, I lose nothing, fortunately.
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Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: “Alas, poor Cummings.
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He’ll lose £35.” At that moment there was a ring at the bell.
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Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet Cummings.”/.
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Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing.
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I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some.
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Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!”/.
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I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: “Oh!
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perhaps it’s for Lupin’s good.
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I never did think it a suitable situation for him.”/.
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I thought the whole affair very shocking.
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Lupin said: “How did you know?
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who told you?”/.
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I handed him the Standard.
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He threw the paper down, and said: “Oh I don’t care a button for that!
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I expected that, but I did not expect this.”/.
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I exclaimed, “Murray Posh!
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Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?”/.
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Lupin said: “Yes; the ‘Posh’s-three-shilling-hats’ chap.”/.
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We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.
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In fact, I could eat nothing.
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I was not only too worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon.
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If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.
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When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face.
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I asked him what it meant.
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He replied: “Oh!
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only a little consolation—still it is a consolation.
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CHAPTER XVI.

We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to investment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.

February 18.—Carrie has several times recently called attention to the thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my large photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and the glass cracked.

Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to happen.”/.

I said: “Nonsense, dear.”/.

In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated. I said: “What’s up, my boy?” He hesitated a good deal, and then said: “You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest £20 in?”/. I replied: “Yes, they are all right, I trust?” /.He replied: “Well, no! To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.”/.

My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. Carrie looked at me, and said: “What did I tell you?”/. Lupin, after a while, said: “However, you are specially fortunate. I received an early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get £2 for them. So you get something after all.”/.

I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not so sanguine as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the amount of my investment; still a profit of £2 is a good percentage for such a short time.”/. Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t understand. I sold your £20 shares for £2; you therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.”/.

February 19.—Lupin, before going to town, said: “I am very sorry about those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me several people do want to see him very particularly.”/.

In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, “May I come in?”/.

He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own accord. He said: “I say, those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, Master Lupin. How much do you lose?”/. Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: “Oh! I had nothing in them. There was some informality in my application—I forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get any. The Guv. loses £18.”/. I said: “I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate.”/. Lupin replied: “Well, it can’t be helped; you must go double on the next tip.”/. Before I could reply, Gowing said: “Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I had.”/.

Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: “Alas, poor Cummings. He’ll lose £35.” At that moment there was a ring at the bell. Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet Cummings.”/. If he had gone out of the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him either!” and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window.

For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little “Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some.

February 20.—The first thing that caught my eye on opening the Standard was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!”/. I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s for Lupin’s good. I never did think it a suitable situation for him.”/. I thought the whole affair very shocking.

Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you.”/. Lupin said: “How did you know? who told you?”/. I handed him the Standard. He threw the paper down, and said: “Oh I don’t care a button for that! I expected that, but I did not expect this.”/. He then read a letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed, “Murray Posh! Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?”/. Lupin said: “Yes; the ‘Posh’s-three-shilling-hats’ chap.”/.

We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.

In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.

When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face. I asked him what it meant. He replied: “Oh! only a little consolation—still it is a consolation. I have just remembered that, by my advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Parachikka Chlorates!”