THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. George and Weedon GROSSMITH. Chapter IX
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•CHAPITRE IX

•Notre première grande soirée. •Anciens et nouveaux amis. •Gowing est un peu pénible ; en revanche, son ami, Mr. Stillbrook, se montre plutôt amusant. •Arrivée de Mr. Perkupp au mauvais moment, mais il est vraiment très aimable et flatteur. •Grand succès de la fête.

•15 novembre. Un jour mémorable. •Notre première grande soirée depuis que nous habitons dans cette maison. •Je suis rentré tôt de la City. •Lupin a insisté pour engager une serveuse en extra et il a offert six bouteilles de champagne. •J'estime que c'est une dépense inutile, mais Lupin a dit qu'il avait eu un coup de chance en menant à bien une affaire privée à la City. •J'espère qu'il ne va pas se laisser aller à des opérations spéculatives dans son nouveau job. •La salle à manger était si jolie que Carrie s'est exclamée du fond du cœur : « Nous n'avons pas à rougir de la montrer à Mr. Perkupp, s'il nous fait l'honneur de venir. »

•Je me suis habillé tôt au cas où les invités seraient là pour huit heures précises, et j'ai été très contrarié de constater que mon pantalon de soirée neuf était bien trop court.

•Lupin, dépassant les bornes, m'a reproché de porter des bottines ordinaires au lieu de bottines habillées.

•Je lui ai répondu d'un ton satirique : « Mon cher fils, j'ai vécu assez longtemps pour être au-dessus de ce genre de choses. »

•Lupin a éclaté de rire et a dit : « En général, un homme a les pieds au-dessus de ses semelles. »

•Ça peut paraître drôle, ou peut-être pas ; mais j'ai été soulagé de constater qu'il n'avait pas remarqué que le corail d'un des boutons de mon plastron était tombé. •Vêtue de la robe qu'elle avait portée à la Mansion House, Carrie ressemblait à une image de mode. •L'agencement du salon était excellent. •Carrie avait accroché des rideaux en mousseline devant les portes en accordéon, ainsi que devant l'une des entrées, car nous avions retiré la porte de ses gonds.

•Mr. Peters, le serveur, est arrivé pile à l'heure, je lui ai donné l'ordre formel de ne pas ouvrir une autre bouteille de champagne tant que la précédente ne serait pas encore vide. •Carrie a pris soin de disposer du sherry et du porto sur le buffet du salon, ainsi que quelques verres. •En passant, nos nouvelles photographies agrandies et coloriées ont fière allure sur les murs, d'autant que Carrie a disposé des nœuds Liberty en soie aux quatre coins de chacune d'entre elles.

•Le premier à arriver a été Gowing qui, avec son tact habituel, m'a accueilli en disant : « Salut, Pooter, mais ton futal est trop court ! »

•J'ai simplement répondu : « C'est fort probable, et tu verras que mon seuil de tolérance est à la mesure de mon falzar. »

•Il a dit : « C'est pas ça qui va le rallonger, Simplet. •Tu devrais demander à la patronne d'y ajouter un volant. »

•Je me demande si je ne perds pas mon temps à consigner ses remarques insultantes dans mon journal intime.

•Les invités suivants à arriver ont été Mr. et Mrs Cummings. •Le premier a déclaré : « Comme tu n'as rien précisé pour la tenue, je suis venu en semi-formel. » •Il avait une redingote noire et une cravate blanche. •Les James, Mr. Merton et Mr. Stillbrook ont suivi, mais Lupin s'est montré nerveux et insupportable jusqu’à ce que Daisy Mutlar et Frank fassent leur apparition.

•Carrie et moi avons été plutôt surpris par l'apparence de Daisy. •Elle portait une robe rouge vif, au décolleté très plongeant. •Je ne trouve pas ce style très décent. •Elle aurait dû prendre exemple sur Carrie et se couvrir d'un châle en dentelle. •Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg et ses quatre filles sont arrivés ; Franching également ; ainsi qu'un ou deux des nouveaux amis de Lupin, membres des « Holloway Comedians ». •Certains d'entre eux semblaient afficher des manières plutôt théâtrales, en particulier l'un d'entre eux, qui n'a cessé de prendre la pose toute la soirée ; il s'est appuyé sur notre petite table ronde et le plateau s'est fendu. •Lupin l'appelait « notre Henry » disant qu'il était « notre cerveau à tous au H.C. », et qu'il était tout aussi doué dans ce domaine que Harry Mutlar l'était dans l'art de la comédie populaire. •Pour moi, tout cela est du grec.

•Nous avons eu un peu de musique, et Lupin, qui n'a pas lâché Daisy une seule seconde, s'est enthousiasmé devant son interprétation d'une chanson intitulée « Some Day ». •La chanson ne semblait pas trop mal, mais Daisy faisait de telles grimaces et chantait, à mon sens, tellement faux que je ne lui aurais pas demandé de recommencer ; mais Lupin l'a fait chanter quatre chansons d'affilée, l'une après l'autre.

•À vingt-deux heures, nous sommes descendus dîner, et à voir la façon dont Gowing et Cummings se sont empiffrés, on aurait pu croire qu'ils n'avaient pas mangé depuis un mois. •J'ai demandé à Carrie de mettre quelque chose de côté au cas où Mr. Perkupp passerait par hasard. •Gowing m'a vraiment chagriné en se servant un plein verre de champagne et en le buvant d'un trait. •Il a répété ce petit manège, ce qui m'a fait craindre que notre demi-douzaine de bouteilles de champagne ne soit pas suffisante pour aller au bout de la soirée. •J'ai essayé d'en mettre une de côté, mais Lupin s'en est emparé et l'a emportée vers la petite table où se trouvaient Daisy et Frank Mutlar.

•Nous sommes remontés à l'étage, et les jeunes gens ont commencé à faire les fous. •Carrie a tout de suite mis le holà. •Stillbrook nous a fait rire avec une chanson intitulée « What have you done with your Cousin John ? » . Je n'ai pas remarqué que Lupin et Frank avaient disparu. •J'ai demandé à Mr. Watson, l'un des Holloway, où ils se trouvaient, et il m'a répondu : « C'est un parfait exemple de : Oh, quelle surprise ! »

•On nous a demandé de former un cercle : ce que nous avons fait. •Ensuite, Watson a lancé : « J'ai le grand plaisir de vous présenter le célèbre âne Blondin. » •Frank et Lupin ont alors bondi dans la pièce. •Lupin s'était barbouillé le visage en blanc, comme un clown, et Frank s'était ceinturé d'un grand tapis de cheminée. •Il était censé être l'âne, et c'était réussi. •Ils se sont livrés à une pantomime très bruyante, et nous étions tous morts de rire.

•Je me suis retourné brusquement, et j'ai alors aperçu Mr. Perkupp qui se tenait à moitié dans l'ouverture de la porte ; il était arrivé sans que nous nous en rendions compte. •J'ai fait un signe à Carrie, et nous nous sommes tout de suite dirigés vers lui. •Il n'avait pas l'intention de pénétrer dans la pièce. •Je me suis excusé pour cette bouffonnerie, mais Mr. Perkupp a répondu : « Oh, ça a l'air amusant. » •J'ai bien vu que cela ne l'amusait pas du tout.

•Carrie et moi l'avons emmené en bas, mais une tornade semblait avoir balayé la table. •Il ne restait plus une seule coupe de champagne, ni même un sandwich. •Mr. Perkupp a dit qu'il n'avait besoin de rien, mais qu'un verre d'eau gazeuse ou de soda lui ferait plaisir. •Le dernier siphon à soda était vide. •Carrie a dit : « Il nous reste encore beaucoup de porto. » •Mr. Perkupp a répondu en souriant : « Non, merci. •Je n'ai vraiment besoin de rien, mais je suis vraiment ravi de vous voir, vous et votre mari, ici, chez vous. •Bonne nuit, Mrs. Pooter... je sais que vous m'excuserez d'être resté si peu longtemps. •Je l'ai accompagné jusqu'à sa voiture, et il m'a dit : « Ce n'est pas la peine de venir au bureau avant midi demain. »

•Je me suis senti très déprimé en rentrant à la maison, et j'ai dit à Carrie que je trouvais que la fête avait été un échec. •Carrie a dit que ç'avait été un grand succès, que j'étais juste fatigué, et elle a insisté pour que je boive moi-même un petit porto. •J'ai vidé deux verres et je me suis senti beaucoup mieux, puis nous sommes allés dans le salon, où les invités avaient commencé à danser. •Carrie et moi avons esquissé quelques pas, ce qui, comme je l'ai dit, m'a rappelé le bon vieux temps. •Elle a dit que j'étais un vieux fou sentimental.
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CHAPTER IX.
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Our first important Party.
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Old Friends and New Friends.
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Gowing is a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing.
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Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and complimentary.
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Party a great success.
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November 15.—A red-letter day.
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Our first important party since we have been in this house.
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I got home early from the City.
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Lupin insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne.
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I hope he won’t gamble in his new situation.
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I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort of thing.”/.
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Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was above his boots.”/.
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Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House.
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The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent.
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I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘short’ also.”/.
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He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, Juggins.
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You should get your missus to put a flounce on them.”/.
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I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary.
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The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings.
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He had on a black frock-coat and white tie.
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Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance.
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She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck.
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I do not think such a style modest.
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She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered her shoulders with a little lace.
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All this is Greek to me.
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I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance.
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Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off.
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He repeated this action, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out.
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We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking.
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Carrie put a stop to that at once.
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We were directed to form a circle—which we did.
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Watson then said: “I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey.”/.
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Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room.
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Lupin had whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug.
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He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it.
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They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter.
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I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at once.
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He would not come right into the room.
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I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it seems amusing.”/.
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I could see he was not a bit amused.
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Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck.
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There was not a glass of champagne left—not even a sandwich.
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Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water.
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The last syphon was empty.
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Carrie said: “We have plenty of port wine left.”/.
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Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: “No, thank you.
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I really require nothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home.
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Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, I know.”/.
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I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I thought the party was a failure.
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Carrie and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of old days.
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She said I was a spooney old thing.
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CHAPTER IX.

Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and complimentary. Party a great success.

November 15.—A red-letter day. Our first important party since we have been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out a private deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble in his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly said: “We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.”/.

I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o’clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short.

Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.

I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort of thing.”/.

Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was above his boots.”/.

This may be funny, or it may not; but I was gratified to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges.

Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.

The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with: “Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!”/.

I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘short’ also.”/.

He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, Juggins. You should get your missus to put a flounce on them.”/.

I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary.

The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said: “As you didn’t say anything about dress, I have come ‘half dress.’”/. He had on a black frock-coat and white tie. The James’, Mr. Merton, and Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.

Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance. She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think such a style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered her shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of Lupin’s new friends, members of the “Holloway Comedians.”/. Some of these seemed rather theatrical in their manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin called him “our Henry,” and said he was “our lead at the H.C.’s,” and was quite as good in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. All this is Greek to me.

We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s side for a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called “Some Day.”/. It seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one after the other.

At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month. I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.

We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you done with your Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin and Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the Holloways, where they were, and he said: “It’s a case of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”/.

We were directed to form a circle—which we did. Watson then said: “I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey.”/. Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter.

I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing half-way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right into the room. I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it seems amusing.”/. I could see he was not a bit amused.

Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. There was not a glass of champagne left—not even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The last syphon was empty. Carrie said: “We have plenty of port wine left.”/. Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: “No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home. Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, I know.”/. I went with him to his carriage, and he said: “Don’t trouble to come to the office till twelve to-morrow.”/.

I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room, where they had commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old thing.