‘Phelps vs. Shark,’ Reviewed by a Shark.

Discovery’s much-ballyhooed race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark prompts a cold-blooded assessment; ‘Connecticut is delicious’.

By Fred the Shark, The Wall Street Journal, July 24, 2017.

First of all, the shark’s name is Larry. The great Michael Phelps lost to a shark named Larry.

When the Journal asked me to review Sunday night’s televised, hugely-hyped “Phelps vs. Shark” race on the Discovery Channel, I hesitated. I’m having a perfectly enjoyable summer chasing rich, toned seals off the Hamptons. Why should I get involved in this human nonsense?

But then I watched it, and I thought:
This is so dumb. Somebody’s got to speak for the sharks here.

And speak for Larry, too. The Discovery Channel narrator kept saying Phelps was racing a computer-generated shark, but Discovery can bite me. I know Great Whites, and that was Larry. Good shark. Used to have a condo up this way. Low-key guy. Fast. Couple of kids, both grown-ups now. Divorced. Looks like he’s lost a couple of pounds.

Discovery also said they filmed it in South Africa. I know for a fact they did it off the coast of suburban Connecticut. Yes: we’re everywhere this summer. Connecticut is delicious.

Anyway, we’re all proud of Larry here, but no shark is surprised that he beat Phelps by two seconds in a 100-meter race. Watch the tape again: Larry took it easy. He toyed with Phelps. He’s always in control. He could have completely crushed the guy.

But that wouldn’t have been good for your silly little TV show, would it?

So, Larry slowed down and teased Phelps and made it a lot closer than it should have been. I wonder if Larry got paid. Did Discovery say the shark was “computer generated” in order to skip out on paying Larry? I’m starting to get really steamed.

To be clear: Nobody in the shark community has a problem with Michael Phelps. That dude can swim. He’s old and fierce, and prefers water to land, what’s not to like? He doesn’t have to prove anything to sharks.

Phelps had to know he would lose. I bet he got a sweet check from Discovery. Good for him. He should throw a little over to Larry.

As a whole, the “Phelps vs. Shark” special pretty much drove me nuts. The marine biologist nerds kept criticizing sharks for not being able to swim in a straight line. What? We can totally swim in a straight line. We just choose not to. Those marine biologists better be careful, or one day I’m going to swim in a straight line right up to their boat.

Another thing that really annoyed me was how they kept rhapsodizing about Phelps’s Olympic glory and how competitive the guy is.

“He just loves to win,” somebody said.

Please. I’m going to throw up. Humans always make everything about themselves. Sharks are competitive! Sharks also want to win. You think we watch “Jaws” and root for Richard Dreyfuss?

And Discovery gave Phelps every conceivable advantage. They filmed it during the day. They let Phelps wear a wetsuit. He also got to put some kind of “monofin” on his feet for propulsion. I’m not so sure about that monofin. It looked like a pair of bike shoes attached to a spatula from Williams-Sonoma.

And Larry still kicked his behind.

Phelps was respectful about the whole thing, saying he’d always dreamed of swimming among the sharks. That was nice, but I kept waiting for the announcer to go to Larry for his post-race interview, and they never did. What the heck, Discovery?

I’ve spent the morning listening to Shark Sports Radio, and “Phelps vs. Shark” is all anyone is talking about. Well, that and Kyrie Irving. What is Kyrie Irving thinking? He wants to leave LeBron? Humans are crazy, I’m telling you.

I know humans are irritated about “Phelps vs. Shark,” calling it a cheesy publicity stunt, but you suckers got what you deserved.

You never had a shot. Sharks rule. Phelps is cool, but the rest of you have jumped the Larry.

Fred the Shark’s column was dictated to Journal columnist Jason Gay (jason.gay@wsj.com).

https://www.wsj.com/article_email/phelps-vs-shark-reviewed-by-a-shark-1500897415-lMyQjAxMTE3NTI2NDMyOTQyWj/