en-de  When love is eclipsed by reality Medium
Am ersten Jahrestag des Endes meiner Beziehung gab es eine Sonnenfinsternis. Was meine Liebesbeziehung betraf, war die Sonne schon lange untergegangen. Aus diesem Anlass lief ich durch Torontos High Park und versuchte, sich umschlingende Paare zu meiden, die auf dem Rasen Champagner tranken. Sie waren gefesselt von der Chance, Zeuge himmlischer Magie zu werden. Ich überlegte, wohin die Jagd nach Magie mich gebracht hat. Liebe, wie sich herausstellt, ist etwas, was man nicht unmittelbar angehen sollte.

Arbeiten, Schreiben und das Streben nach Schönheit und guten Menschen haben mir geholfen, mich besser zu fühlen. Aber, nachdem ich über ein Jahr allein war, wünschte ich, ich könnte die Zeit zurückdrehen, um meinem 20-jährigen Ich die Realität vor Augen zu führen. Hätte ich an einem anderen Ort angefangen, hätte ich mich vielleicht nicht vor Romantik abschirmen müssen, als ich durch den Park lief.

In meinen Zwanzigern war ich das Mädchen, das jede romantische Komödie sah und sie mental festhielt. Ich war besessen von "When Harry Met Sally" (Harry und Sally). Ich suchte nach einem romantischen Handlungsbogen, wo auch immer ich einen finden konnte. Harry, der am Silvesterabend durch New York rennt, atemlos: "Ich bin heute Abend hergekommen, denn wenn du feststellst, dass du den Rest deines Lebens mit jemandem verleben willst, willst du, dass der Rest deines Lebens so schnell wie möglich beginnt". Seufz.

Mann, habe ich mich ständig an die Idee der romantischen Liebe geklammert! Ich traf einen Typen, schrieb das Drehbuch, besetzte die Rolle des Filmes und dachte für eine Zeit lang, dass ich alles hätte. Wir haben eine bildhübsche Tochter. Sie ist die Art Kind, die ohne Anstrengung einen Raum erleuchtet. Über elf Jahre bauten wir eine Existenz auf. Das Geschäftsende unserer Partnerschaft tuckerte so weiter. Der Liebespart tat es nicht.

Ich habe vergessen die Tatsache zu erklären, dass Menschen unendlich viel komplizierter und unberechenbarer sind, als wir wissen. Ich vergaß, meine Unvollkommenheiten mit einzubeziehen. Meine Schwächen. Mit unserer Liebe war es aus. Für einige wäre es befriedigend, zu hören, dass ich Schuld sei. Es würde leicht sein, böse zu werden. Die Wahrheit ist, unsere Wege waren dazu bestimmt, auseinanderzugehen. Ich hielt länger fest, als ich hätte sollen. Während des vergangenen Jahres, dem bislang schwierigsten in meinem Leben, habe ich die Geschichte der vollkommenen Liebe Satz für Satz auseinandergenommen.

Jetzt versuche ich mich daran zu erinnern, dass die Liebe nicht für ewig ist und selten so aussieht, wie wir sie uns vorstellen. Wir können die Ergebnisse unserer Romanzen ebensowenig kontrollieren, wie wir die Sonne kontrollieren können. Der Strudel des Lebens zieht an den Fäden der Liebe auf unerwartete und gnadenlose Weise. Es ist brutal. Aber wie mich ein Freund, der durch viele Höhen und Tiefen gegangen ist, erinnerte:"Das Leben schert sich nicht drum." Im Ernst.

Ich bin nicht religiös. Normalerweise gibt mir die Güte anderer Menschen Halt. Ich versuche in der Idee Trost zu finden, dass es mehr Gutes als Schlechtes in der Welt gibt. Ich will von den Glauben, dass wenn ich Liebe und Verständnis anbiete, es wahrscheinlich ist, dass ich es auch zurückbekomme. Aber nach einem ganzen Jahr persönlichen Elends, zusammen mit dem ständigen Trommelfeuer deprimierender Nachrichten, habe ich meine Zweifel. Geteiltes Vertrauen ist heikler, als ich dachte.

Mein um die Welt bummelnder Bruder kehrte kürzlich nach Kanada zurück, nachdem er viele Jahre im Ausland war, einschließlich langer Zeit in Ost- und Südasien. Er bestärkte mich, meine Erfahrung durch die Brille buddhistischer Wahrheiten zu betrachten. Hauptsächlich leiden wir, weil nichts von Dauer ist. Wir leiden, weil wir an den Dingen festhalten, den Menschen, den Routinen und dem Realitätsempfinden, von denen wir das Gefühl haben, es zu brauchen, damit wir die Grausamheit der Unbeständigkeit vermeiden können. Die Veränderung findet uns trotzdem, und ist das Stichwort für das Drama.

Für mich schafft das Festhalten an Ideen und Erwartungen die schlimmste Art des Leids. Es ist leicht, sich im Raum zwischen dem, was unserer Meinung nach das Leben sein sollte, und dem, was tatsächlich möglich ist, zu verirren. Ich bin untröstlich, dass ich, ungeachtet dessen, dass ich viele Dinge richtig mache, niemanden vor den Schwierigkeiten des Lebens schützen kann. Die Menschen, die ich liebe, sind verletzlich. Ich bin es auch. Das Leben ist ein rasender Zug. Ich habe jegliche Energie verbraucht, die ich habe, um zu versuchen, ihm eine andere Richtung zu geben. Ich habe in diesem Jahr gelernt, dass diese Entscheidung vergebliche Mühe ist.

Buddhisten empfehlen, dass wir vermeiden sollen, uns an etwas zu klammern, und dass wir in der Gegenwart leben. Sie sagen, wir sollten über den Tellerrand hinausschauen, sodass wir das Leben als das erkennen können, was es ist. Diese Lebensführung sollte uns theoretisch helfen, uns mit Mitgefühl mit der Welt um uns herum zu verbinden. Diese Ideale in die Tat umzusetzen dauert ein Leben lang und erfordert wahrscheinlich mehr Meditation, als ich zuwege bringen kann. Schließlich schaffe ich es kaum, meinem Handy viele Tage fern zu bleiben. Aber trotzdem kann man es mal versuchen. Mein Bruder erinnerte mich daran, dass wir uns trotz des Dramas mit unserer Erfahrung in Nordamerika glücklich schätzen können. Es würde nicht schaden, wenn wir damit aufhörten, krampfhaft zu versuchen, die Welt um uns herum zu kontrollieren.

Ich habe zu verstehen gelernt, dass es wenig im Leben gibt, was ohne Probleme ist. Ich sollte aufhören, auf das perfekte Ergebnis zu warten. Nach allem kann ich das Ende zu meiner Geschichte nicht schreiben. Es ist, was es ist.

Die Liebe könnte die glückselige Erregung eines einzigen geraubten Kusses sein. Oder geht es vielleicht ums Händchenhalten in Schaukelstühlen nach Jahren von Kämpfen und Kameradschaft. Oder vielleicht ist es der Reichtum, den man aus gesammelter Freundlichkeit und Unterstützung durch Freunde und Familie gewinnt. Die Freude an einer Million Augenblicke, die wir nie erwarteten.

Ich habe zuviel Zeit damit verbracht zu versuchen, es herauszufinden. Es ist ein nutzloses Tun. Vernunft und Liebe sind unvereinbar. Liebe passiert einfach. Beuge dich der Realität. Zeig dich voller Mitgefühl. Beweg dich durchs Leben - Durcheinander und das Ganze - mit Dankbarkeit. Das ist die Aufgabe.

Am Ende meiner Strecke ging ich über die Fußgängerbrücke und über die Bahngleise, die zu mir nach Hause führen. Meine Nachbarn säumten die Brücke, neigten ihre Köpfe, ihre Augen waren zum Himmel gerichtet. Sie waren voller Vorfreude auf die nächste aufregende Sache. Ich musste nicht hinsehen. Ich konzentriere mich auf das Loslassen.
unit 1
A solar eclipse happened to fall around the one-year anniversary of my relationship ending.
3 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 2
When it came to my love story, the sun had gone out long ago.
3 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 4
They were thrilled for the chance to witness celestial magic.
3 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 5
I was considering where chasing magic has gotten me.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 6
Love, it turns out, is something you should avoid looking at directly.
2 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 7
Working, writing and seeking out beauty and good people have helped me feel better.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 10
In my 20s, I was that girl who watched every romantic comedy and took mental notes.
2 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 11
I was obsessed with When Harry Met Sally.
2 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 12
I was looking for a romantic arc anywhere I could find one.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 14
Sigh.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 15
Man, did I ever hold on to the idea of romantic love for dear life.
3 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 16
I met a guy, wrote the script, cast the movie and, for a while, thought I had it all.
1 Translations, 0 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 17
We have a beautiful daughter.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 18
She's the kind of kid who lights up a room without trying.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 19
Over 11 years, we built a life.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 20
The business end of being a couple was chugging along fine.
1 Translations, 0 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 21
The love part wasn't.
1 Translations, 0 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 23
I forgot to calculate for my imperfections.
2 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 24
My failings.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 25
We plummeted out of love.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 26
It would be satisfying for some to hear me lay blame.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 27
It would be easy to get angry.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 28
The truth is our paths were destined to diverge.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 29
I held on longer than I should have.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 31
Now, I try to remember that love can't last forever and rarely looks the way we imagined.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 32
We can't control our romantic outcomes any more than we can control the sun.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 33
The churn of life pulls at the threads of love in unexpected and unforgiving ways.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 34
It's brutal.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 35
But, as a battle-worn friend reminded me, "Life doesn't care."
2 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 36
No kidding.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 37
I'm not a religious person.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 38
I normally find support in the kindness of other humans.
2 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 39
I try to find comfort in the idea that there is more good than bad in the world.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 42
Shared trust is more precarious than I expected.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 44
He encouraged me to view my experience through the lens of Buddhist truths.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 45
Basically, we suffer because everything is impermanent.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 47
Change finds us regardless, cue the drama.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 48
For me, clinging to ideas and expectations creates the worst kind of misery.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 49
unit 51
The people I love are vulnerable.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 52
I am too.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 53
Life is a speeding train.
4 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 54
I've been using every ounce of energy I have to try to change its direction.
3 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 55
I have learned this year that choice is wasted effort.
2 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 56
Buddhists recommend we avoid attachment and live in the present moment.
2 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 57
They say we should consider the bigger picture so we can see life for what it is.
2 Translations, 5 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 58
These choices should, in theory, help us connect to the world around us with compassion.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 59
unit 60
After all, I can barely manage to stay off my phone many days.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 61
But, still, worth a try.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 62
My brother did remind me that despite the drama of our experience in North America we are fortunate.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 63
It wouldn't hurt to stop trying so hard to control the world around us.
2 Translations, 5 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 64
I've come to understand that there is little about life that is neat and tidy.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 65
I should stop waiting for the perfect outcome.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 66
I can't write the ending to my story after all.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 67
It is what it is.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 68
Love might be the rapturous thrill of one stolen kiss.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 69
Or maybe it's about holding hands in rocking chairs after years of battles and companionship.
3 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 70
Or perhaps it's the wealth you gain from accumulated kindness and support from friends and family.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 71
The joy of a million moments we never expected.
2 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 72
I've spent too much time trying to figure it out.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 73
It is a fool's errand.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 74
Reason and love are incompatible.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 75
Love happens.
3 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 76
Submit to reality.
2 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 77
Show up with compassion.
1 Translations, 4 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 78
Move through life – mess and all – with gratitude.
1 Translations, 0 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 79
That's the job.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 81
My neighbours lined the bridge, their heads tilted, eyes focused on the sky.
1 Translations, 1 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 82
They were buzzing with anticipation for the next exciting thing.
3 Translations, 0 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 83
I was not compelled to look.
1 Translations, 3 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
unit 84
I'm focused on letting go.
1 Translations, 2 Upvotes, Last Activity 8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Maria-Helene • 13547  translated  unit 14  8 months, 2 weeks ago

A solar eclipse happened to fall around the one-year anniversary of my relationship ending. When it came to my love story, the sun had gone out long ago. To mark the occasion, I ran through Toronto's High Park trying to avoid couples entangled on the lawn drinking Champagne. They were thrilled for the chance to witness celestial magic. I was considering where chasing magic has gotten me. Love, it turns out, is something you should avoid looking at directly.

Working, writing and seeking out beauty and good people have helped me feel better. But, after more than a year on my own, I wish could go back in time to give my 20-year-old self a reality check. Had I started in a different place, maybe I wouldn't have needed to shield myself from romance as I ran through the park.

In my 20s, I was that girl who watched every romantic comedy and took mental notes. I was obsessed with When Harry Met Sally. I was looking for a romantic arc anywhere I could find one. Harry, running through New York on New Year's Eve, breathless: "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Sigh.

Man, did I ever hold on to the idea of romantic love for dear life. I met a guy, wrote the script, cast the movie and, for a while, thought I had it all. We have a beautiful daughter. She's the kind of kid who lights up a room without trying. Over 11 years, we built a life. The business end of being a couple was chugging along fine. The love part wasn't.

I forgot to account for the fact that humans are infinitely more complicated and unpredictable than we can know. I forgot to calculate for my imperfections. My failings. We plummeted out of love. It would be satisfying for some to hear me lay blame. It would be easy to get angry. The truth is our paths were destined to diverge. I held on longer than I should have. Over the past year, the most difficult of my life so far, I dismantled the story of perfect love, sentence by sentence.

Now, I try to remember that love can't last forever and rarely looks the way we imagined. We can't control our romantic outcomes any more than we can control the sun. The churn of life pulls at the threads of love in unexpected and unforgiving ways. It's brutal. But, as a battle-worn friend reminded me, "Life doesn't care." No kidding.

I'm not a religious person. I normally find support in the kindness of other humans. I try to find comfort in the idea that there is more good than bad in the world. I want to be soothed by the belief that if I offer love and understanding I'm more likely to earn it in return. However, after a year's worth of personal misery, coupled with the drumbeat of depressing news, I'm having second thoughts. Shared trust is more precarious than I expected.

My globetrotting brother recently returned to Canada after years abroad, including lots of time in East and South Asia. He encouraged me to view my experience through the lens of Buddhist truths. Basically, we suffer because everything is impermanent. We suffer because we hold on to the things, the people, the routines and the sense of reality we feel we need so we can avoid the brutality of change. Change finds us regardless, cue the drama.

For me, clinging to ideas and expectations creates the worst kind of misery. It is easy to get lost in the space between what we think life should be and what is actually possible. I am heartbroken that, despite doing many things right, I can't protect anyone from the hardships of life. The people I love are vulnerable. I am too. Life is a speeding train. I've been using every ounce of energy I have to try to change its direction. I have learned this year that choice is wasted effort.

Buddhists recommend we avoid attachment and live in the present moment. They say we should consider the bigger picture so we can see life for what it is. These choices should, in theory, help us connect to the world around us with compassion. Putting these ideals into practice takes a lifetime and probably more meditation than I can pull off. After all, I can barely manage to stay off my phone many days. But, still, worth a try. My brother did remind me that despite the drama of our experience in North America we are fortunate. It wouldn't hurt to stop trying so hard to control the world around us.

I've come to understand that there is little about life that is neat and tidy. I should stop waiting for the perfect outcome. I can't write the ending to my story after all. It is what it is.

Love might be the rapturous thrill of one stolen kiss. Or maybe it's about holding hands in rocking chairs after years of battles and companionship. Or perhaps it's the wealth you gain from accumulated kindness and support from friends and family. The joy of a million moments we never expected.

I've spent too much time trying to figure it out. It is a fool's errand. Reason and love are incompatible. Love happens. Submit to reality. Show up with compassion. Move through life – mess and all – with gratitude. That's the job.

At the end of my run I walked up and across the pedestrian bridge over the train tracks that leads to my home. My neighbours lined the bridge, their heads tilted, eyes focused on the sky. They were buzzing with anticipation for the next exciting thing. I was not compelled to look. I'm focused on letting go.